I got to Mom's a little before 7. It has been a long day, I was exhausted, and honestly looking forward to just relaxing a bit with her. Their floor is so quiet...just sitting in a rocker vegging out is actually appealing. When I got to the lobby, I noticed a resident leaving a table with coffee containers and remembered how Mom had been mentioning coffee so much lately. I thought I would surprise her and bring a cup up with me.
I got upstairs and Mom was alone in the activity room...walking down the wrong hall from where her apartment is. No walker, no cane, no shoes...just mis-matched socks. She saw me, and seemed startled.
Hi Mom, where are you going?
It is hard to describe her reaction. She went off on me. WENT OFF. I know this isn't word for word, but it was something to the tune of "Where do you think I'm going? How dare you do that to me. I am your mother. Your mother! And neither of you even bothered to call me. You or Paula. You may not like it, but I am your mother! They aren't going to let you check out of this place without me...you know that don't you. And you won't get one penny from me...not one...and you'll get stuck paying the hospital bill all by yourself. How dare you treat me that way...you think you're so cute don't you - to hell with you!" and proceeded to walk down the wrong hall.
Where are you going, Mom? "To my apartment. I've had enough of your shit."
Well alrighty then.... 'I brought you some coffee, Mom. Would you like some?'
"Well I guess so, if you want to give it to me...I can't even think about all the trouble you've caused. Both of you, in the hospital. And you didn't even think to call me?" She turned and walked away. I was a little in shock...and grabbed my phone to try to record this, because I knew I wouldn't remember it all.
Her last comment pretty much sums it up - "I don't know who to believe anymore."
I can only imagine how scary it would be. I went back to her room and stayed with her for awhile. Her room was boiling hot again...and she was fit to be tied the entire time. The nurse dropped in, and gently hinted that Mom had been a little... 'well, you know. off.' Yes - I definitely know. I said to mom.. 'She was just checking on you. It's good that you have a lot of people looking out for you.' "Yes I do. And at least somebody cares about me since you clearly don't give a shit." Mom continued to talk about the accident...apparently someone had told her that both Paula and I were in an accident. She kept thinking Paula was still in the hospital, and snapping at me with all kinds of harsh statements "Did either of you think to call Kenny? I bet you didn't did you."
The thing about all this was.... I knew the woman I saw tonight, very well. I grew up with her... The comments she had for me that I didn't record were things like "Well did you get a ticket?" No, Mom. "What did you do, bat your little blue eyes at the officer? 'Oh nooooo Mr Officer.(mocking me) I didn't do anything wrong. I NEVER do anything wrong. Horse shit. I know you, Kim. I know more about you than you might think I do. You may not care about me, but I AM YOUR MOTHER"
Yep... that's my Mom.
She told me I didn't care about her several times... "I could die tomorrow and you wouldn't care. You don't love me." All I could think about were the times (yes, plural) when as very young girls she threatened my sister and I that she was going to go drive herself off the Wilson bridge. Paula used to cry and try to stop her. I used to sit calmly on the couch and say to her 'No you, won't.' (Yes Mom, I always knew more about you than you thought I did too) to which she would melt down and scream at my father "See? I told you she doesn't love me."
Today I responded a bit differently though -
Yes I do love you Mom, why do you think I'm here? "I don't know. Just to see if I'm still alive, I guess."
Ouch.
Here's that full segment -
The thing is... its so easy to see through these things now, and there is so much to learn wrapped up in there. I didn't respond like I used to...just took deep breaths and tried to remember the Alzheimer's stuff I've read - find the source of the problem and correct that. Obviously tonight she heard or saw something that made her think something had happened to my sister and I, and realizing she didn't know how to get in touch with us...felt helpless and it turned to anger. She feels abandoned, and I get that. I focused on fixing the heat, which they are going to have someone look at ASAP..and reassuring her I would see her tomorrow.
In a real nasty tone she said "Well, if someone calls will you at least answer the phone? I'm going to go upstairs and go to bed." Sure, Mom.
A few minutes later, I poked my head into the bathroom... 'Are you ok Mom? I'm going to head out and will see you tomorrow.'
In an attempt to sound authoritative - "And exactly why can't you sleep here?" again revealing one of the cores behind this whole episode - her most commonly used manipulation tactic that hasn't ever worked on me.... guilt
Because I need to go home to my children, Mom.
"Oh, ok. I'll see you tomorrow then."
'Nuff said.
I sounds like she was surely having a ruff day sis
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kenny. Keeping my fingers crossed that today is better.
ReplyDelete