7-22-2012

Tonight mom was ranting "I need a cigarette." Over and over, while digging through her purse, which is definitely out of the ordinary.

She was wearing the wrong glasses again, which is not.

I told her she doesn't smoke, and she got furious with me.  "When I'm horny i do. When i haven't seen my husband in weeks I do."

She proceeded to tell me Missy smokes.  When I told her that she doesn't she got angrier and said "Oh yes, she does. They caught her out in front off the cabins!"

She also talked about a McMichaels bus accident, and all kinds of interesting stories.

Just another day...

7-1-2012

Let's see... yesterday the power was out when I got to Mom's.  Luckily they had enough generator power to run the hallway lights, a few receptacles inside the main living area, and the elevators.  Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, including Mom... but visibly she is looking deteriorated the past few days.  She is very, very talkative...usually crisp and clear speech, with totally made up content....but I have been noticing that her eyes seem more sunken in, and she just looks much, much older.

Tonight she went on and on about her tryouts for this speech competition that she was finally asked to participate in.  She also told me her car was running great, and she was so relieved not to have to drive the old clunker anymore.

I brought her tv home with me today and hope to take it to the regional service center tomorrow.

6-26-2012

Well today was different!

I got to Mom's a little later than usual...it was after 8. She wasn't in the main room, and when I got to her room, she wasn't there either.  Her walker was there, but no Mom.

I went back out toward the main room and saw Jackie, one of the nurses.  'Have you seen my mom?'

"Oh my goodness Kim.  I was just trying to find the other nurse.  Your mother is too fast for us.  She's down in room 238."

Oh boy. :-)

I went down to 238 with Jackie, and there is Mom, sitting in someone else's living room with no pants on.  'Mom, what are you doing here?'


"I know I'm not supposed to be here.  I was trying to wash my clothes, and they were all filled up."

'OK, let's go back to your room.'  then Jackie said she was planning to go get her some clothes.

"Oh, my clothes are in there." Mom said.

Sure enough, her clothes were in the other woman's bedroom on the floor, and the other woman was in there trying to sleep.  We helped her get dressed and back to her room without making too big of a deal about it.

Aside from that, everything was ok.  She was glad that I was there so that I could hep her load the horses on the truck, because she couldn't do it herself.  She also told me my children had been wonderful and didn't give her any trouble at all today.

I really need to get my company's product built befoore I lose MY memory.  I feel so awful for her.  It must be terrifying to go in and out like that.

6-24-2012

Things were a little better today.  I had to find Mom's glasses again.  She said she was just sitting around waiting for "her" to get here so that she can take " Joey" home.

There was lots of talk about traveling with the kids, and that she had a great day with no kids to watch.  We were looking at jet picture frame and she was glad Paula had kids so that now mine have some little ones their age to play with.

She was also missing grandma alot today.

6-23-2012

Ok, today was a little weird.  Trish checked in on Mom while I was at Missy's orientation, and today was my first day back after not seeing her for 3.

She was in her room...tv still isn't working...and she was reading a book. I haven't seen her reading a book in a LONG time.


'Hi Mom.  What are you up to?'


"Well I'm not married, that's for sure. I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to help this man that doesn't speak English very well"

After that it was a little hard to put together what she was trying to tell me.  She kept losing her train of thought, and her vocabulary doesn't always hold together.  She thought she was 40 today, saying that several times, but the strange part was she kept trying to explain her conversation with this man.

It could have been one of the other residents, or her imagination, who knows.  But she was apparently advising him that he needed to get married, and that he needed a license for that, and something about him being mixed up about his room, and staying in hers for 3 days.  She figured that out when she noticed stains in the bathroom.

The whole thing was just very weird and I wanted to capture it for some reason.

The one of the nurses came in to help her get dressed for bed.  There were no other nurses at the nurses room, and the door was closed.  There is usually always someone there, though they were probably making medicine rounds.

6-17-2012

Today's visit with Mom was noteworthy.  I stopped by very early, on my way to work.  Mom had just finished breakfast and ate well.  I told her I was on my way to work... and she said -


"Well you have to work hard when you're running a business."

I had told her about my business a few weeks ago and was surprised (pleasantly) that she remembered it.

Then only a sentence or two later she said... "I still haven't seen your father.  It's been 6 days.  He could be one of those accidently they keep talking about.  I have no idea where he is."  She was obviously grief-stricken for a minute - "If you see him, just tell him to come home."

I just looked at her and said 'Sure Mom.  Is everything else ok?'


"Oh yeah."


'Do you know what year it is?'

She thought for a minute "1960....something....I know I'm close."

It was strange that she could be so alert and so out of touch at the same time.   Otherwise, she looked healthy today.

3-15-2012

Mom looked ok today.  I got there right after lunch, which she said was great.  Apparently they had chicken, which were all grown from the chicken farm right across the street.

The thing I wanted to capture today is that she was still in the wrong timezone.  She said again "I haven't seen your father in 5 days.  If you see him, please tell him that I love him and just want him to come home."

I knew better than to respond or question that.  I just changed the subject.  I tried bringing up the fact that she got to see Kenny and I together yesterday, and she made strange comments about how big he has grown, and that he does so much better talking.  Then she ranted a little bit about how Bea was always picking on him.

She was clearly in the past...but otherwise looked healthy and was in a good mood.

6-12-2012

Mom's TV is broken... ALREADY  It won't come on at all, and I tried everything.  Looks like a power issue but should still be under warranty.

Aside from that she has been looking great lately, healthwise.  Today when I got there she was looking for her keys (she doesn't have any), and walking down the opposite long hall without her walker.  Over the weekend her glasses were missing, but they found them yesterday and we played bingo.

She is still confused about certain facts, but strangely accurate about others...it almost seems as if she is improving.  I know that isn't realistic, but she just seems to stay in good spirits.  She did say "I haven't seen Paul in 3 days." on Sunday.

I told her I was sure he would turn up sooner or later, and he probably had her glasses. :)

5-28-2012

I still haven't uploaded the videos yet, unfortunately.  Mom was ok tonight... wearing 2 pair of glasses (always better than none!) and watching Mash, which she thought was all about the Vietnam War that she experienced herself when she lived in Germany.  She also mentioned the name of her Junior high, but I can't remember it.

She also had a new blanket - red, white and blue.  Someone must have given them to the residents for Memorial Day.  The past few days she has had some nicer clothes on.  The thing is...I have no idea where she got them, and think there must have been a laundry mix-up.  Her hair still looks good. :)

5-27-2012

Today was a very strange, out-of-the-ordinary visit.  When I got there, 1 of the nicest nurses there - Jackie - told me "I was back there with your mom a lot this evening.  She is feeling very umm.. sentimental.  She's been talking about you all a lot tonight. Just thought I would warn you."

Uh-oh.

Mom was still looking great, watching tv, but didn't have any glasses on.  I found a pair for her, and then asked her about Jackie's comment.  'Is everything ok, Mom?'

She started balling her eyes out, and saying she just wanted someone to tell her 3 children how much she loved him and that they meant everything to her.  I just sat there, a little taken back.  She continued on talking and talking..saying that she was so sorry for always being so mean and hurtful to us.  "I didn't mean to say all those TERRIBLE things...I just had this anger inside of me. And sometimes it just comes out.  And I would see it in their eyes, how much I was hurting them.  I am so sorry for that.  I love them more than anything.  And I just want them to sell the house, and split it equally all 3 ways, because I love them all so much.  My children are so beautiful, of course my husband had something to do with that.".. then she proceeded to get graphic about Dad being her loverboy, and how he'd only cheated on her once.

I think 'surreal' is the only way to describe how I felt.  All these years with anger inside of me...thinking she wasn't capable of feeling remorse for how she used to act, or that she wasn't even aware, and bam.. she just spilled her guts like that out of the blue.  I recorded some of it, but need to upload the videos from my phone.  I'll try to do that tomorrow.

She also said something chilling... that she only had about a month to live, which is why she wanted to make sure someone told her children how much she loved them.  'What are you talking about Mom?'

"You just know, when things are going on inside of you.  You can just tell when they stop working like they're supposed to."

She was full of energy, and looked as healthy as I have seen her over the past few months.  It was a very strange visit to say the least.

5-25-2012

Mom looked great tonight.  She is still loving her new hairstyle.  She must be getting a lot of positive feedback on it.  She's also still happy with her tv. 

There was a movie on when I got here, which one of the nurses must have put on.  Yesterday we watched Big Bang Theory and Sanford and Son.

She was asking thoughtful questions about my business, and suggesting ways the world war two veterans can help me.  Apparently my dad, her dad and Chuck were all WWII vets.  Yesterday she was lucky to have a sister like me too.  :)

5-23-2012

Well today was interesting... Mom looked great, but when I got there several of the residents were trying to escape.  Yes, escape. As soon as I went through the locked door, one of the ladies had a chair in front of her and was trying to charge through the door.  Another one of the ladies came darting toward the door from out of nowhere.  I can't lie... it was kind of funny.

Gosh, the poor nurses.  I don't know how they do it.

Again, Mom looked great and was in a good mood.  She was in the main area, but still raving about how much she loves her tv.  She also got her hair done yesterday.  It's in more of a bob now, very different, but looks great.  I took this picture yesterday -

Yesterday was interesting.. I stopped by mid-afternoon and Mom was sleeping in her chair with TWO pair of glasses on.  Some days none, some days two... you just never know what you're going to find when you get there.  She gets like 16 channels for free on her new tv, so at least we don't have to worry about nurses not putting in DVDs for her.

The only other strange thing today was I noticed a red area on the left side of her nose.  It looked like a boil or something, but should probably be checked out.  I didn't say anything today, but will keep an eye on it and have the doctor take a look at it next time he's there.

5-20-2012

Mom didn't recognize Trish today, and even after I told her who she was, she said "its so nice to meet you, I've never had a chance to meet you before."

She couldn't name any of my children's name, but when I asked if she knew her other daughter, she said Paula right away.  Then she said Chuck was my brother.  'No, he's my Uncle, Mom.'

"Oh, really? Does he have any children?"

I started naming all of Chuck's children and she said "Oh yes, Billy likes to chase the girls."

Yesterday her clothes were on backwards and she wasn't wearing any glasses.  Her DVD player was broken, and I couldn't find any glasses in her room, so I took a pair from a pile in the nurses station.  It must be tough on them trying to keep everyone straight.

Tonight I bought her a new, smaller tv that will pick up regular tv stations without us having to pay Comcast.  I think that is better long term, and she can't put in movies to watch by herself anymore.  Looking forward to taking that to her tomorrow.

5-18-2012

Mom's memory/orientation is definitely deteriorating.  Today I went early in the morning and she told me they were trying to round up all the cats, and some were getting killed.  She asked where Paula was, and I said 'At home with her family.'

"What family?"

'She has a husband and 2 children.'

"She does? No one told me. I didn't know that."

Yesterday they also gave me the equivalent of a report card, which includes a line item for her cognitive orientation.  On a scale from 0 - 5 will zero being fully oriented and 5 being comatose, Mom is a 4, which is "disoriented, all spheres, all of the time"  I tried to capture copies of it with my phone, not sure if the photos will be readable or not.

5-13-2012

Mother's Day.

Mom was in good spirits today.  She was being very social, and remembered a few details about the big visit from Terrie, Kellie, Trish and Paula the day before.  She was wearing a pair of thin cropped pants with a big, bulky sweater, but seemed to be comfortable.

Mother's Day is busy for them, with so many women in the unit.  I asked Mom if she enjoyed spending time with Paula after the rest of us yes.

"Oh yes.  We really got to just talk... I never really bot to know her, given that they took her away so soon after she was born.  It was nice to hear about all her achievements - she's turned out to be an amazing writer.  She has accomplished so much in her work, and authored so many books."

I stayed and chatted with her and Mrs. Woods for awhile, quite content to know my sister is a famous author today. :-)

5-11-2012

I'll start with some good news. Mom got new shoes today!  Apparently either the podiatrist or general doctor got her some new diabetic shoes.  She was definitely proud of them, and they look a lot more comfortable.

When I got there, she was in the main room.  'Hi Mom - what are you doing?'


"I'm waiting for them to take us all to the parking lot so that I can get my car and go pick up the children." She was really out of it as far as where she was.  She referenced several times 'going upstairs' and seemed to think she was in a hotel or something.

I walked her to her room and put in the Aviator.  She went in to use the bathroom, and then strangely, she started out for me "Mother? Mother? I need you to help me open this and put on another new roll."

She called me mother. again.

Before I left she said "Oh this is just like you are leaving me at camp or at college, and you're going to leave me all by myself in my cabin."


'I'll see you tomorrow, Mom.'

5-10-2012

I got there a little after lunch today, and Mom was on her way to her room t go to bed, she said.  She asked how Jaymz was doing with his golf lessons

The only other thing was that they ased me to have Mom sign a resident's bill of rights.  They said they had one on file that we signed when we brought her there, but now they needed her to sign it herself.  Then I noticed that the jar she used to have with tons of pens in it was completely gone.  I found a few pens in her purse, but the jar that used to be on her counter was just plain gone.

5-8-2012

"where is everybody?"

 'who, Mom?'


 "all the people I'm supposed to pick up."

She proceeded to tell me that my children had come here and told her that she needed to wait until it was time to pick them up. And she was stressed because she had been waiting so long and didn't know where they were.  Then she introduced me to her friends again. "this is my daughter, Kimberly. Irene. Mahan."and seemed content that she remembered that.  We went back and forth about whether she needed to call anyone to tell them that she wasn't coming, or whether she should go downstairs and wait where she can see the planes landing. Yesterday she asked me if we could go to the PX or something. I think she thought I was grandma at the time. The only disturbing thing tonight was finding my father's dentures in a cup of water in her bathroom. I vaguely remember seeing those when we moved her, but don't know for the life of me why we let her keep them. I haven't seen my fathers teeth in a cup of water in 24 years.

5-6-2012

Thankfully, Mom didn't see to remember our conversation from yesterday at all. She was asking about when we were moving to a new place, an leaving this one, but she didn't seem too stressed. She was in her room rather than th main activity area where several residents were sitting. She said sh just wanted to stay in her room where the TV is bigger. I made sure we watched a comedy tonight... "along came Polly"

5-5-2012 cont..

Oh my goodness. Mom didnt realize that Dad is dead. The nurse just cme in to check on her, and Mom said "yeah, they check on me a lot because they know Paul is not around. I don't know where in the hell he is, I haven't seen him for 3 days." When I talked to her about where he was and how he died, she was shocked. "nobody told me. Was he murdered?" She doesn't remember anything about his funeral... Then she started asking about the last 2 babies she had and whether or not they've been fed. 'which two Mom?' "well there was a boy and a girl. I'm assuming Paul was the father, but I don't know." "I wonder if Chuck knows that he's Dad. What, did Mom not want to tell me about this?" She was really really surprised and upset by the news. I sincerely hope she forgets this conversation. And next time she talks about him in the present tense, I'm going to leave it that wy.

5-5-2012

Mom is pretty sure that her kitten is pregnant. Apparently every time they turn their backs all the cats are doing each other. We discussed this at ength for quite some time, because she has no idea how she is going to take care of all these kittens. She had all kinds of details about actually seeing the kittens snuggling up to each other. Other than that, everything is ok. We watched a perfect world together. Out of the blue she asked me if I had a cigarette, which was odd. It also seems like her hearing is getting worse. I had to talk much louder.

4-30-12

Mom was waiting for the lawyer to get there tonight...to help determine where the children are going to live.  Apparently there is some issue with figuring out who all 4 of her children are going to live with and she was stressed about it.  I walked her back to room and had to stay awhile.  She was really anxious tonight.

Then...and this is a big deal... the nurse says she needs me to sign a DNR.

WTF?  I said umm... We already signed one, all 3 of us.  She pulled out the book they had on Mom, and it wasn't in there.  Them losing it is a very big deal.  I signed one that was there, but between them and the rehab facility, they need to track down the one that Paul, Kenny and I all signed.

4-28-2012

I don't think Mom knew who I was during most of our visit today.  When I got there she said she was trying to find out where her girls were.


'Which girls, Mom?'


"My 2 daughters... I mean...my youngest, daughter."


'Do you know your daughters names, Mom?'


"I knew you were going to ask me that." She sat there pondering for a minute.


'You mean Paula Mom?  She's doing fine.'


"Oh good...because you know she's just a baby."

This went on several times throughout the visit.  I walked her back to her room, and we started watching the aviator.  She was in good spirits, but almost nothing she said made sense, and she kept asking about her babies.. at times I felt like she saw me as any of the other nurses who take care of her.

I had Salmon and broccoli for dinner tonight.

4-23-2012

Mom is gaining a lot of weight.  I guess it is from eating well and not exercising enough.  Yesterday, she didn't recognize Trish.  She knew who 'Trish' was, but didn't believe that Trish was really her.

Other than that, she has been doing ok.  She seems content with where she is, but still asks about when she's going home.  They are also going to have the doctor check her next week to see if he can prescribe a patch, which they said will help with 'behavioral issues'.  That definitely needs more researching before giving them the ok.

4-11-2012

Mom was sitting in the main room when I got there around 6:45 today. Her walker was filled with DVDs,a pair of boots and a pair of slippers. 'you brought all your DVDs out here, Mom?'


"Yes. it was ringing, and I was trying to answer it, so I thought I would bring them out here with me."

She was a little mixed up today, but it was ok. We went back to her room and unpacked her things, then watched Stepford Wives together. She was unable to remember her room number, was unclear about where she lives again, and asked me the same questions over and over, but was in a generally good mood and happy to see me. She had some strange stories about people who were trapped a hotel, and calling her for help because they needed money. She was proud of herself for staying calm.


"Paul still wouldn't drive through the night, so I had to drive through the neighborhood where they were staying. "they kept calling me... 'will the lady of experience please come to the phone?' Yes, this is the lady of intelligence. I think it was Paula that wanted to order a hamburger, and I said..ok that isn't too expensive."

She also told me that she made all the clothes that the Stepford Wives were wearing. It took her about 4 months, but she made every one of them.

 Moving forward, I think I will only be using this blog to track significant events or changes in Mom's condition, rather than typing the same updates over and over. Being honest, it starts to feel forced, and makes me a little sad. I just like chillaxing with her, and will update here as it makes sense.

4-7-2012

I am actually typing this from Mom's place...sitting in the main room with several of the residents.  She introduced me as "This is my other daughter, Kimberly Irene Mahan" I smiled, and she smiled back.  "I'm remembering." 

'Remembering what?'

"Everything."

'Well that's good.  Tomorrow is Easter.  We're going out to camp to visit everyone.'

"Oh good, I guess that means I better pack."

'No, Mom.  NO PACKING.'

'"Not even a pair of jeans? Extra clothes?"

'No packing. No packing.'

"Well are we going to be living there?"

'No, Mom.  Just visiting.  NO PACKING'

"Well I can wear extra pars of underwear and you won't even know."

'No packing, Mom.'

We went through several rounds of the 'You live here.' game, then she said "Who is going to watch the baby?"

'What baby, Mom?'  "The one I take care of all the time." 'I'm sure they'll take care of it for you, Mom.'  "It is going to look at them and say 'you better feed me." We sat and just chatted for awhile, about all the friendly people in the room.  She told me about the actress that was killed, and stampeded by a horse.  Then out of the blue - 'You're losing weight.  Looking good, girl.  They haven't seen much of you around here They'll say 'who is that babe?'"

"Did you tell Chuck we're coming? I don't want to see him wear his birthday suit to dinner."  'He knows, Mom..  We're just going for dinner.' "You don't know Chuck like I do."

"I've got a real good picture of Paula, when you were taking care of her, when the mothering instinct kicked in. You won't believe how much Aunt Midge looks like my Mother.  I didn't realize it until I came back here.  I kept sa"  Not sure what that's about... but I'm going to shut the computer down and give her my undivided attention for awhile.

4-6-2012

It was a quick stop tonight.  Jaymz and I stopped by on the way from the office.  Mom was in her room, and in a good mood.  I started her movie for her and told her I was just stopping in for a minute.  We had to get Jaymz's computer to Best Buy before they closed.

She was very tired...hardly answered.  Just said, "ok see you tomorrow."

On the way out, the nurse stopped me to tell me she had dressed Mom for bed early because she had seemed so tired this evening.  She said Mom curled up in her chair under her blanket, and she knew she was ready to rest.

4-5-2012

I got a call about Mom at 4:30 am this morning. They had found her sitting in her room on the floor, then she got up to her knees and then stood up. She said she didn't fall, and wasn't hurt, but they need to report it. She told me they have been having problems with Mom insisting on walking without her walker.

 She looked good when I saw her this evening, around 6:30. She was in her room, and I showed the nurse how to work her DVD player. She and I watched Coach Carter together. She also made an Easter bunny today, which she was proud of.

4-4-2012

Mom was doing ok today.  I stopped by a little earlier - around 5:30 - and she was in the main room, and still eating her dinner, although most of the other residents had finished.  She was wearing her pajamas.


'Hi Mom - you're wearing your night clothes to dinner?'

"Yes.  And I'm not even going to tell you what these people are doing to me.  Accusing me of taking clothes.  I don't take anyone's clothes...they go into my room and take my clothes and just put them on the floor.  I sure as hell wouldn't do that."

Oh boy.  I just changed the subject and asked about her meals, and her day.  'Did you get to go outside today?'


"No, I was too busy washing clothes.  I had to wash all of their clothes too, and that just isn't fair or right. And I'm not lying to you.  I swear it really happened."

Alrighty.  She asked me about my day, and about what kind of work I do, and then out of the blue - "We had to get rid of one of the dogs today."

'Oh really?  Which dog, Mom?'

"Jaymz's dog.  The one he chose from Aunt Bea."  There are so many things mixed up in that statement it wasn't even worth deciphering.  I sat for awhile just observing the other residents.  It is really interesting to hear them try to communicate with each other sometimes, each in their own little worlds.  Then I asked whether she would rather watch TV out in the main room, or a movie in her room.  She was a little snippety about preferring to go back to her room.

I went back to her room with her, put in Coach Carter, and told her I would see her tomorrow.

She seemed a little teary/sad, but said "Ok honey.  It's always great to see you.  Thanks for coming."

4-3-2012

Mom was doing ok tonight  It was late when I get there - 8:30 or so, and Mom was in her room, sitting in her rocking chair, watching a blank TV screen.  I noticed that the walker in the room was not hers.

'Hi Mom. What are you doing?'

"Oh I was just sitting here, waiting for you to come. After they sent me around to all the different gates. First I went to Gate 1, then Gate 2, then Gate 6  I kept telling them I'm not in the military, and I couldn't find you so I came back here."

Apparently she had been driving around Andrews Air Force base today.

I helped her find her glasses, and worked with the nurses to find and switch her walker back to the correct one.  after that we just talked for awhile -   She asked about Paula and Kenny, as well as where her car was.  All and all, she was in a pretty good mood.

4-2-2012

Mom was in a much better mood tonight, although I'm not sure I can say much better shape.  I stopped by a little after 8, and she was sitting in the main room.  Her shoes were on the wrong feet, and her buttons were so crooked that she could hardly move her arms, but she smiled when she saw me.

She started talking about how "they" didn't like her clothes, but she couldn't help it because "My mother can't just hand me 100 dollar bills for new clothes any time I want. I'm just like any other woman of the 50s, but I guess that makes me too common for this place. Unlike that other woman"


I had no idea what she was talking about.  'What woman, Mom?

"The one that was killed."


'Oh, goodness.  Let's fix your shoes Mom.'

I fixed her shoes and shirt and told her I needed to get home to eat.  "Oh we're about to eat."

'I don't think so, Mom.  I think your next meal is breakfast.  Do you want me to walk you back to your room?'


"No, I'll stay out here."

The nurse had been sitting out with one of the other residents and said "Your mother loves to dance.  We put a waltz on and she was dancing all over the place."  Mom was grinning from ear to ear "Do you like classical music, Mrs Mahan?"


"Oh no way.  I like country music!"

I gave her a hug and a kiss on her head and told her I would see her tomorrow. The only other thing worth noting is that

4-1-2012

It was hard to leave Mom tonight.  She is really struggling with her memory, and it makes her understandably frustrated and angry, which unfortunately gets turned on the people that surround her.

I worked all day at my other job, and stopped by Mom's on my way home - around 7:30.  The nurse told me she had just gone to her room.  When I walked in, she was in her bathroom 'Hi, Mom.  How are you?'

She called out from the bathroom "I'm in here.  Who is it?"

When she came out , I said 'It's me.'

It was strange, but she was looking at me as if she didn't recognize me.  There were long pauses and she said "You look like...you look nice.  All dressed up for Christmas" (I was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap.)

'How are you?'


"I'm about to call the police, that's what I am."  She was angry, and was describing to me that they had her walking up and down stairs for 8 - then 5 hours straight, down all these hallways and floors, and keep moving her room around. "And I'm not crazy. And I don't deserve to be treated that way."

I sat down and re-started the Mona Lisa smile movie for the 3rd day in a row.  Mom said "Oh good - I've never seen this before." She went on and on, was very weepy "I'm not lying to you.  I leave my room and then everything moves.  It is very scary." 

It certainly would be.  I just sat for awhile, and kept responding to her complaints with comments about the nurses being there to help her and keep her safe.  After about an hour I told her I needed to get home.


"I know you want me to tell you I'll be ok, but I'm not. I'm not crazy, and I'm not lying to you.  I mean it."

I watched the movie for a little while longer, then gave her a hug and told her it would be ok.  On relection...even I have a hard time buying that.  It's really sad and scary sometimes. She was almost defeated in her tone, and she just said "thank you for the coffee."

3-31-2012

Mom was really out of it today.  Her memory is deteriorating for sure.  I got there around 11:30, right as lunch was being served.  Rather than eating in the main room with everyone, Mom was in her apartment sitting at her table waiting to be served.


'Eating in your room today, Mom?'


"Well this is where they put me.  They told me to sit right here, even though I have no idea what this place is."

I went and started the DVD player, and one of the nurses brought her food in. I sat down at the table with her while she ate.  She was in a pleasant mood, just very confused.  She kept talking about how everyone spoke in Spanish, and that she couldn't understand anyone because they speak Spanish all the time.  I have never seen or heard any of the nurses speaking Spanish.  Then there was this exchange:


"So when do my children go back to school?"


'Which children, Mom?'


"My children.  You know, the ones I gave birth to."


'All your children are finished with school, Mom.'


"No they aren't.  I know they need to go back to school soon."


'Which children are you talking about, Mom?'

"Well.... there's Missy.  And Paula..." she paused for a long time struggling to come up with a name "and Kim."  At that moment, I really don't think she knew who I was.

'What about your son, Mom?'

"Yes, I have a son.  He's my first born.  I have 4 children."

She also asks the same questions over and over... things like "So how was your day?", which she will ask several times, sometimes within 2 minutes of each other.  Her short term memory appears to be almost non-existent sometimes.

3-30-2012

I got a call from the assisted living facility today to inform me that Mom had been diagnosed with Shingles when she saw the doctor yesterday.  They are treating it, and giving her pain medication, and said that it was mostly on her back.  It is a bit of a concern, given that she rarely goes out - I want to read more about causes and how it spreads.

I saw her around 3:30, and brought her a cup of coffee.  They were playing bingo in the main room, but Mom was sitting in her own room, strugging with trying to put a coat on.

'Where are you going Mom?'


"Oh I just thought I would put this coat on in case it's cold outside."


'It's beautiful out there, Mom.  I don't think you need a coat.'

We had this conversation a few times, as every few minutes she would start struggling with her coat again.  Her cable is still not working, but I'm not sure it makes sense to arrange to pay it, rather than letting her watch movies.  I put in Mona Lisa Smile and watched it with her for awhile.

We chit-chatted for awhile, but she seemed very spacey.  We talked about my work, and my second job, and she told me she was proud of me.  

3-29-2012

I stopped by Mom's around 8:30 tonight, on my way home from the airport.  Mom was already in bed and the lights were out in her room.  I still decided to stick my nose in and say hello.


'Mom? Just letting you know I'm back.  I'll see you tomorrow.'


"Oh ok, thank you for stopping by.  We have a big dinner tomorrow.  I think Trish is making deviled eggs."

'Ok Mom, that sounds good.  Get some rest.'

She was tired.  Me too.

3-25-2012

Wow...talking about roller coasters.  When I went to see Mom this morning, she was in some kind of mood.  She was sitting on the bench in the main activity area, and as soon as I walked in, she scowled "They are holding me prisoner here, and I have had enough.  This is against the law!"

It took awhile to talk her down.  She kept saying that she was locked up, and that she was sick of this 'bank' and that she was going to change banks rather than keep dealing with these people. She was pointing at making snide comments at several of the nurses.  She must have really been a handful all morning.

'Where are you planning to go Mom?'

"I just want to go out to my car and go home."

'You don't have a car, Mom.  It isn't safe for you to drive.'

"Yes I do!"

She was also talking about having to go watch those 2 kids.  "They're babies, and nobody is watching them if these people don't let me out of here."  She also said things that were sad and hurtful - "No one would give a shit if I went out there and died.  Who would care? No one. They would all just say 'oh good' we don't have to worry about her anymore."

She wasn't wearing her glasses and didn't look well.  The nurse tested her sugar, which was 175, and then gave her some insulin.  They brought in lunch, and I asked her if she wanted to go over to the table to eat. "Hell no. I don't want to eat any of this crap.  That's all they want you to do.  Eat, eat, eat."

I went and got her glasses, and when I came back, I asked again if she wanted to eat.  "Well I guess I might as well."  I helped her get to the table, and then knowing I was going out of town again, had to lay down the law.

In my sternest parent tone - 'Now you need to listen to me.  Everyone is here to help you stay safe and healthy.  You need to stop being disrespectful and nasty to everyone.  I mean it, Mom.'

"Ok, I will." and she started to eat.  I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and that I would see her Thursday.

Later in the afternoon, Kenny texted that he was in Richmond and was going to stop by and see her.  I was happy to hear that!  I called him to let him know she was a bit testy today... then he called me back later to tell me she was happy as a clam.  He said she was sitting in the dining area, chatting with one of the other residents and all smiles. She was telling him how she was the camp painter and that Chuck was going to give her more boards to paint.

Wow.  Talk about a 180 degree turn.  I'm glad she was feeling better...maybe they put some happy juice on her lunch tray. :-)

3-24-2012

I went to Mom's very early today, before Missy's gymnastics meet.  It was around 10:00 am, and she was in her room sleeping.  I knew she took afternoon naps, but was surprised to find her sleeping in the morning too.  I later talked to one of the nurses who told me her sugar had only been 126 that morning too, which is fantastic! for her.

I tried telling her I was going to Missy's gymnastics meet, but her responses were a little hard to piece together. She was just really tired... I did catch a "well I hope she does well."

'It's hard to believe this could be her last meet, or that she's a senior.'

Then she responded with something about seniors getting special training to help with all their dietary needs.  She wasn't really tuned in, but otherwise seemed to be ok.

3-23-2012

Mom was doing OK today.  I stopped by around 1:30, and she was fast asleep in the main activity area.  I woke her up to chat for a bit, and all she could talk about was these 6 puppies she had to take care of that day.  "They reminded me of my other dog, the one that died."

She had several dogs she was close to, but I know she was talking about Dusty.  He was a mean old thing, but he was also all she had to keep her company after Dad died.

Shortly after, Robert the program director came by to see if she wanted to go outside with them.  I let her go with her girlfriends and told her I would see her tomorrow.  I was glad she was getting some fresh air on this gorgeous day, and certainly admire the staff for all that they do.  Taking all the active members on her floor downstairs and back up is no easy task!

3-22-2012

Tonight was interesting.  I was working late and didn't even get to Mom's until after 9:30.  I considered not stopping by thinking she would be asleep by then.  Wrong.

Mom was sitting in the main room, with one other woman.  She was dressed, but no socks on and looked a little out of it.  She talked, a LOT, but it was very hard to follow.  It was mostly about being a volleyball coach, and pregnancy, and lying.  There were definitely some strange statements...and they seemed to be bouncing back and forth.

"Changing the records is against the government.  I would never let them change mine up until I went on this trip."  She asked what I had been doing all day.  'Just working Mom.  I haven't event had dinner yet.'

Her response was so sweet.  "Do you need any any money?  You've got to be sure you eat.  3 meals a day.   Don't work yourself to death.  You're not supposed to take any records home with you.  I'm speaking to you..not as my mother... there are just so many changes that I haven't approved."  This kind of rambling went on and on.


"Sports can be an honest game or an ugly one, and the law is the rule. There have been so many illegal changes.  They know once it is written in red, you can't change the number.  3 or 4 teams are going to get kicked out of playing volleyball for lying to the government. I don't like to play with liars."

Then she went to a real strange place.  "I could hear them 'so and so, going with so and so and now she's pregnant.  I always told my girls, you have got to use a rubber.  A lie will live with you for the rest of your life. There are so many lies and they just float by, and I would say - you've got to tell her mother that she needs to go to the doctor.  We have an early game tomorrow."


'Then you should probably get some rest, Mom.'


"Yes, you're right. It's hard to be honest all the time.  You have so many friends that...well you know they're always lying.  Then we go to our head coach.  I'm so glad you finally came home.  I really needed to get all this off my chest.  I always tell my girls - you have got to use a rubber.  It is the only safe way to prevent a pregnancy...and lies and pregnancy can sure ruin a basketball career.  Did you run out of rubbers? I would tell them you don't play with your life like that."

Alrighty then.  After a few minutes I walked her back to her room, and when we walked in she asked "So what is this place?"

I don't think her cable was working, but Rapunzel was playing.  I helped her get ready for bed and told her I would see her tomorrow. She told me her head was hurting.  That didn't surprise me at all.

3-21-2012

I got to Mom's around 6:30 today.  She was already in her room for the evening, and completely oblivious to the fact that it was Trish and Kristin's birthday.  As soon as I walked in she said:

"I'm just trying to figure out which baby is which."

Huh?

"I know one is a boy and one is a girl, but they keep changing shoes and I can't tell them apart."

Alrighty then. :-)

"Paula had the boy, right?"

'She has a boy and a girl, Mom.'

"She does?  Did she take her little boy home with her?"

'Yes, Mom.  As far as I know both of her children are at home with her.'

"Oh, ok good.  Those children kept running around trying to trick me.  They would say 'We see you Aunt Pearl.' and then they would switch sides and I couldn't tell which is which."

Aunt Pearl?  I was scared to ask her what year she thought it was. I just checked things around the apartment. Her cable isn't working.  Apparently comcast made a change so that now you can't see anything without a cable box.  I tried reconnecting her old one, but no service would come up.  I'll have to give them a call tomorrow.

Other than that she seemed to be doing ok.  Quite content and positive.

3-20-2012

Mom was doing ok today.  I stopped by around 1:00 and brought her some coffee.  As soon as I walked in she said "I just about finished that book that you left me...or, well the one that was on my table."

I knew the book she was talking about, it was a reader's digest collection, but I have no idea where she got it.  She went on and on telling me her version of the story...a mystery story apparently.  "I stayed up until midnight reading it.  I haven't ever just read like that, for 3 whole hours!" (later she said 3 days).

The only thing I could think about was all the books we packed up and gave away to Goodwill and the used book store.  It's ok.  We left several in her apartment, it's just that she used to read a LOT.  She had so many books, and used to collect so many things.  Birds, model cars, trains, gardening books, cookbooks...anyone who could send a mail order form to her.  DVDs, CDs..just so much stuff, only to be later trying to figure out what to do with it.  Going through this process with her has really helped me in developing my ability to LET THINGS GO.

We had a good conversation nonetheless, and she was very happy that I stopped by.  Looking forward to tomorrow.

3-19-2012

Mom was doing ok today. When I got there, around 7:30 this evening, apparently she was in the process of organizing a volleyball game (which turned out to be a soccer game and then a basketball game later on in our conversation)


"Oh good, maybe you can be our coach. I'm sure there's a rule book over there somewhere." 

 She was also wearing two pair of glasses and her shoes were on the wrong feet. But who cares? :-)

We talked about Trish's birthday coming up, and how old she was going to be, and Mom stayed generally in a good mood, asking lots of good questions to keep the conversation going. The nurse told me her sugar was just above 200, which for her is pretty low (yesterday it was 119). She told me she had told mom that she couldn't have a piece of cake tonight.

Then I went to put the supplies I brought her away, and found an oreo cookie on her kitchen table.  I have no idea where she got that from.  While walking her back to her room for the night she asked if I had bought Missy's birthday present yet.  Her short term memory gaps are definitely getting more noticeable.

I gave her a big hug, and told her I would see her tomorrow.

3-18-2012

Mom was doing ok today.  I stopped by on my way home from my morning group run, and brought her some milk to keep in her fridge.  She was sitting in the main room at a table with 2 other women, and had just finished lunch.  I went to check her apartment and put the milk away, then sat down for a bit.

Mom was talkative and in a fairly good mood but it was hard to piece together what she was trying to say.  She was clearly in the past, mentioning a field of tulips, and singing, and bringing the tulips to someone.  She also mentioned Clinton, Massachusetts and how much she enjoyed it there, and that I had a lot of aunts and uncles there, real old ones.  "Paula looks the most like my grandmother."  I can't know for sure which grandmother she's referring to, but I'm assuming it is my grandfather's mother, who I think she was partially named after.

She was jumping all over the place, but I tried to follow along, and then told her I would see her tomorrow.

"Please do.  I really look forward to seeing you."

'I know, Mom.  Have a good evening.  I'll see you tomorrow.'

3-17-2012

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Mom had a busy day today.  Trish and I stopped by around 3:30 today, thinking we would grab Mom just before they served dinner and take her out instead.  When I walked in, Mom was sitting in the activity room at a table by herself, and she said "Hey. Over here.  I lost Kenny.  I can't find him anywhere."  She started talking about a movie, and popcorn, and how she had gone to Grandma Ackenbom's house with Kenny and everybody.

I thought she was imagining things.  'Do you want to go out to eat with me and Trish?'

"Eat again? Oh no.  I've had too much already."

'Are you sure?  We were thinking we could go to IHOP.'

"Oh, ok." she didn't sound very excited.

I went to tell the nurse I was taking her out, and she said... "Oh wow. Again? 2 trips in one day, boy Miss Pearl sure is lucky." As it turns out Kenny had stopped by to see her earlier, along with Terrie and Karina.  They had taken Mom downstairs to watch Celtic Women, and really had a great time celebrating St. Patrick's day.

I started to take Mom out anyway, but we got about halfway down the long hall, and she was really wobbly and stopped to rest.  She was exhausted.  'We can go out some other day if you want, Mom.'

"Really? I think I would like that much better." We slowly made our way back to her room.  She was chatting about random things, and seemed to be in a positive mood.  Trish and I met up with Kenny, Terrie, and Karina afterwards, and had a Irish food and a great time.  I'm glad Mom had a chance to see them and share in some Irish fun too.

3-16-2012

Mom was definitely not happy today. I went by in the early afternoon, around 1:30.  Mom was sitting in the main room, and it was easy to see she was angry.

"Oh..good.  You're here.  Now I can finally get out of this place."

'What's going on Mom?'


"They may think I'm a prisoner here, but I am NOT a criminal.  They would even let me call.  It's my own brother's camp, and they won't let me out of here.  It's not like I'm a criminal!."

We went through several cycles of the 'You live here, Mom.' "I know that." conversation.  and it was easy to tell she was aware that she didn't have the same freedom she used to.  "It's none of their business where I want to go.  If I want to go visit my parents, or go to the store, well my parents are buried - I shouldn't have to tell him that."

As usual, many of the things she said were out of context or off, but today it was pretty clear where they were coming from. She felt helpless.  And I understood that.  I kept reminding her that she was safe, and there were people that cared for her, and that here they could help her with her medicine.  She did have a bump on her knee from when she fell the other night.

Robert the activities director came by to ask is she wanted a picture to color.  She snapped at him. "No. I'm sick of coloring. Color, color, color...6 hours a day.  I'm sick of coloring." She did accept the snacks he offered, and started to smile.

I walked her back to her room so that she could relax for a bit.  "Thank you for stopping by.  It relaxes me."

'No problem.  See you tomorrow, Mom.'  I was sorry I missed checking on her yesterday.

3-15-2012

I didn't get to see Mom tonight.  Things ran late and it was after 10 before I left the office.  Hoping to be able to get to her early tomorrow. :(

3-14-2012 part 2

It's 11:00. Mom's care facility just called to say they found her on the floor of her bedroom.  She had told the nurse she was looking for her husband, and that she had been in the living room then she fell and crawled to her bedroom, which the nurse said didn't make sense, because she had put Mom in her bed earlier.

Then Mom told her she had rolled out of the bed to make more room for my dad, because there wasn't enough room.  (that part is interesting, given that my dad slept on the couch my whole childhood).

Given that the nurse knew she had been in bed, and found her on the floor, she needed to report it as a fall and call me.  She said Mom seems to be ok, but she's going to have them X-ray her knee (which Mom says is hurting) tomorrow.

3-14-2012

I stopped by around 8:00 tonight.  The nurse was in the room with Mom, giving her her medicine.  She didn’t need any insulin tonight.  Her outfit was, umm..interesting.  Silky red pajama pants, a pastel flowered sleeveless dress shirt, and her bra OUTSIDE her shirt.  No, I didn’t take any pictures.

The nurse left, and Mom just started talking.

“I had a good time today, I ate with 3 different people that I don’t usually eat with, and I really enjoyed myself.  The other couple that were good friends they decided they wouldn’t go on this trip together, because the two sisters were always fighting.  One starts bitchin at the other one, well.. you know how ya’ll do.  Nobody wants to be around that.  I had a good time.  These couples they knew how to get along, they were brother and sister and knew how to not fight.  But I missed you at supper, I usually see you there..and I think I’m going to be called up to speak.  It was so nice, everybody was so excited that the families were being peaceful with each other.  We know what issues to avoid, because it makes everyone uncomfortable.  I kept getting comments on how handsome Chuck is.  I never thought about Chuck like that before.  So what did you have for supper?”

She was definitely talkative tonight.  She went on and on..and stayed positive, for the most part… but I sure was struggling to follow her train of thought.  Sisters fighting, and her awesome ability to be a peacemaker seemed to be the general theme.

3-13-2012

I don't know what was going on with Mom today.  I got there early, around 1:00.  Mom was sitting on the bench in the main activity area, and she smiled as soon as I walked in.


"Oh thank goodness you're here.  This is one of my daughters, now if I can find the other one."

I sat down beside her on the bench.  'What's going on, Mom?'

"Oh nothing. I just want to talk to my daughters, if you see them you need to tell them it is time to come home so they can at least take a shower."

'A shower? What for?'

"Well you know how bad they will smell after running around all day, especially doing what they're doing."

I truly had no idea what she was talking about.

"You can tell them I’m not mad at them, I just want to ask them to please come home and have a bath and clean clothes.  Then they can be all clean and you won’t have to worry about that for tomorrow."

I tried to change the subject.  'So what have you been doing all day, Mom?'

"Well, just sitting here watching them play games. I also worked 2 crossword puzzles and won both of them. Please tell them I’m not mad, I’d just like them to come home and refresh themselves, and you know I’m right.  It's not like I'm saying they can't go out or anything.  They should at least be clean."

'Who should be clean, Mom?'  "My daughters." 'Which daughters, Mom?'

"Paula and..wait ...you're Kim’s...she's here, and my other child I don’t know where she is.  I’d lend them money, but I don’t have any cash.  I'd just like to tell them to come back home.  I’m not going to scream at them, they’re running around the elevators getting all sweaty.  You can imagine how they smell by now.  They know where I am and they know which way to take to get here.  I just want to get them and go."

'Go where, Mom?  This is your home.  Do you want to go to your room?'

"At least you’ve talked to them.  That makes me feel better.  You can visit me at least so we can clean you up or hose you down or something like that.  If you see them…well, I’d like to know where Kenny is too."

'Kenny is at camp, Mom.' 

She looked surprised.  "My son is at camp friendship? I know we used to watch for him. Chuck and I did.  And he would show up after 3 months, and we would say 'I know where you've been.  It's getting dark outside.  It's time to come in'.  Well if you do see him, tell him 'why don’t you stop and see your mom? Its almost dark, and she likes to know where her children are."

I walked her back to her room.  She was positive for the most part today, just really out of it.  She thanked me for stopping by...and I think she kind of knew who I was. 

3-12-2012

It was so beautiful out today, I had to take Mom outside to get some fresh air.

I got to her place around 6, and she was sitting in the main room.  I asked how she was doing “Oh, just lazing around,” she said kind of drearily. I had brought her a cup of coffee, and sat down at the table with them.  She said they had just finished dinner, but hadn’t really done much today.

‘Want to go outside?’

“Really? Is it cold?” ‘No, it’s beautiful outside.'

Unfortunately we had a little issue finding her walker.  There was one sitting right beside me that looked just like hers, but it didn’t have the scarf I had tied on it.  When I asked if that was hers, the other lady at the table put her hand on it and gestured rather sternly that it was hers.  I checked her room, and no luck…then one of the nurses went and found the other lady’s walker and helped us switch.

Mom was talkative as we were making our way down the elevator and to the front door.  She seemed to pick up in mood and energy.

“I almost called you last night.  I didn’t want to wake anyone up, but I thought Jaymz could come over and fix my television.” She also asked about my job, and whether I liked it.  She asked me that 3 different times, at different points of our conversation, and phrased in the exact same way.  Her short term memory is deteriorating, I think.  We got downstairs and just relaxed in the rockers out front.

“What’s Paula doing this weekend?” ‘I don’t know.  Taking care of her kids would be my guess.’

She continued rattling on and on, mostly voicing frustration about the other ladies.  She tried to describe some sort of argument they had over onion soup, and complained that no one ever wanted to go outside with her because they always thought it was too cold.

“So how’s Paula getting along, ok?” ‘Yep.  She’s doing great as far as I know.’

We just sat there in the rocking chairs for almost an hour, marveling at the flowers, the birds and the trees until she started to get cold.  At that point we decided to make our way back upstairs.  I made sure her television was working ok and then headed out.  “I’m so glad you stopped by.   It’s nice to see you every once and awhile.”

‘I’ll be back tomorrow, Mom.  Have a good night.’  I missed my Yoga class tonight, but somehow felt just a relaxed. Hanging out with her just has that effect sometimes.

3-11-2012

It's good to be home.

I stopped by Mom's first thing on my way home.  This is the longest trip I've had since she moved to her new apartment.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  It was just after 3, and the nurses told me she was in her room.

She didn't seem that happy or surprised to see me.  What I asked how she was, she said "Just sitting here." she was staring at a blank screen on the tv, and the said "Maybe you can help me fix this.  I was trying to put on a game to play, but I can't seem to find any games on here." 

'Games?  Do you mean movies, Mom?   I can put one in for you.'

"No, I thought your son had installed some games on here."  It was interesting - she asked me about 'my son' several times today, but never said his name.

I stayed for awhile, just relaxing....and after a hectic week on the road, it really was relaxing.  The only thing I can say about mom is that she seemed kind of out of it.  I think the best word would be 'groggy'.  Her speech was slurred, she was yawning a lot, and she kept talking about how tired she was after walking up and down all those hills.

After a Ford Explorer commercial she said "I'm not upset about not having a car anymore.  I used to be, but not anymore.  I have people that will take me wherever I need to go."

No anger or anxiety from her today.  Just boredom, perhaps?

3-8-2012

Just a quick update from Austin, after talking to Trish who has checked on Mom.  She said that she was doing fine, but that she was also talking as if she was in the past.  She also said she seemed surprised to see Trish - greeting her with a very cold "What are you doing here?" but that once she started visiting she was fine and friendly.

I'm looking forward to seeing her on Sunday.

3-3 through 3-5-2012

I have definitely been slacking!  Not on seeing Mom, but on writing about it.  Trying to get so many things wrapped up before leaving for Texas.  So what better to pass the time at the airport than getting caught up?

Mom has been looking rough the past few days.  Based on my notes...here's how the pas few days have gone.

Saturday, March 3
I stopped by in the early afternoon, before leaving for Missy's gymnastics meet in Maryland.  Mom was watching TV in her room, which was fairly dark.  She said she was doing ok, but when I asked why she was in her room rather than the main area, she got a little agitated "I couldn't take anymore of that coughing.  I don't pay all this money to have to listen to that shit all day. I know he can't help it, but I sure don't want to listen to it."

'Who, Mom?'


"That man that just coughs and coughs and coughs. Its like that pneumonia cough that you had.  Just on and on and on.  It's terrible."

Aside from that, her place looked very clean.  She had picked all the puzzle pieces up off the table, and all of her puzzles were back in the bag Paula gave her.  I didn't say anything about it, just told her I was on my way to Maryland and that I would see her tomorrow.

Sunday, March 4
Missy and I both went up to see her on our way home from visiting George Mason.  It was around 4:00, and she was sitting out in the main area with 2 other ladies.  As we walked up we could hear her going on and on about something.  She saw us and her eyes perked up, then she turned to one of the ladies and said "You know my daughter, Paula."


'I'm Kim, Mom.'


"No, I mean the other one."


'That's Missy.  We just got back from visiting her new school.  She's going to college soon.'

"She started beaming...that's so good!  She'll be able to get a good job today.  That's what we're doing here.  We're trying to help prepare her for the interview for a new job." She was pointing to one of the ladies at the table, while the other one's eyebrows raised and she smiled.  Mom went on and on, trying to coach her, until the woman said "Well thank you for trying to help me.  I really do appreciate it."

It's times like these that I know she needs to be where she is.  She also mentioned that she had been packing up her DVDs.  Missy and I went to her room and unloaded them all from the stacks she had made on her walker, and put them back on the shelf.  We went back out to the activity area - 'No more packing, Mom.  This is your home.'  "I know."  We chatted for a little while longer, and then I told her I was going to Texas on business, but that I would see her tomorrow.

Monday, March 5
I went by Mom's around 2 today.  She was in the main activity area, but sitting by herself at a table, and just looking rough.  When asked she said she was fine, but her eyes were kind of hazy, and she just looked very low on energy. When she started talking, I could tell she was out of it today.


"Paula was crying her eyes out when I left."


'She was? Why?' 


"They had a fight I guess.  I had never heard her husband ball her out like that before."  It's strange... these past few weeks are the fist time I had heard the phrase 'getting balled out' since I was a child.


'I think Paula is fine Mom, I saw her yesterday and everything seemed ok.'


"She covers up more than you think she does.  I remember when Paul and I broke up and he went out and got another woman.  He came back and told me that was nothing but trash, and he would never do that again. 'You're worth keeping, girl.'"  She was also making references to falling and hurting her leg, but the nurses didn't know anything about it. Her descriptions of the fall were really odd - something about her socks getting all rolled up...it was hard to piece together what she was trying to say.

She told me she liked my coat, and asked about the weather. "So do you got a special guy?"

'No, Mom.'  "Good.  You're better off that way.  So which way are you going when you leave?  I could have you drop me off at home rather than to try and walk out there in this."


'Your home is right down that hall Mom.'


"I left my hairpiece.  There are so many things that go through your mind when you hear things like that."

'Like what, Mom?'  "Like all those arguments everyone is having"

Of course I can't know for sure, but it seems like she's got a lot of past memories playing over and over again, and she gets herself depressed reliving them.  I'm hoping she'll be ok these next few days.  Trish is going to check on her this Wednesday.  I don't think I'll have any updates tomorrow.

3-2-2012

Mom was definitely off tonight, which wasn't that surprising given that it had been more than 24 hours since I hadn't seen her in more than 24 hours.  I also wasn't able to get there until late - around 8pm, and she was already in her bed, asleep.

I woke her up when I poked her head in her room, and had her come out and watch kitchen nightmares with me.  From what I could tell, something must have happened where she got confused and either tried to make someone else's bed or sleep in someone else's room.  There was a lot of rambling and strange comments that were hard to piece together, like....these old couples not wanting to sleep in a bed after a colored person had been in it (this making me think she was in the past), about having left her things in the other room while she was doing all that moving, about the sheets she got back in the laundry not fitting on her bed, asking again about when Kenny was going to come to help her move.

She seemed anxious when I went to leave also. "What if they ask me something and I can't remember the answer?" or "Will you be hack early? Early in the day is good."

Those moments when she is aware of her limitations must be very scary for her.  It would be scary for me too.

3-1-2012

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see Mom tonight.  I had an after-work event at the Jefferson and didn't get home until almost 10.  I'm going to try to get there early tomorrow if at all possible.

2-29-2012

I got to Mom's around 8:15 tonight. She was in a rather interesting condition.  Sitting in her chair, partially dressed, with her robe draped across her, on backwards.  She had 3 socks on each foot, and all 6 of them were different...no matches.  She had on the wrong pair of glasses and was drinking orange juice.  Quite a sight.

'Hi Mom.  What are you up to?'

"Oh nothing, just waiting for the lottery to be announced. I wished I had some money so I could have bought a ticket."  She went on about the lottery for several minutes...how much the winnings would be, how everyone was talking about it, etc.  then out of the blue - "I didn't even file.  They'll announce it sometime tonight.  Did you file one?"

'File one what, Mom?' 

"Income taxes."  'Don't worry, Mom.  I took care of yours.' "You did?  Am I getting anything back?"

'Yes, Mom.  It goes straight into your bank account.'

"Oh, ok. They've been talking about the dentist office all afternoon.  Starting about about 3:00 all the dentist offices in the area had to bring in extra secretaries." (umm...random? :)
Then back to "So all the boyfriends and girlfriends that gave their lottery tickets to each other got stuck waiting."

We just relaxed and watched American Idol.  She was into it...making good, accurate, and positive comments about each of the singers...then she started reaching for her purse, and placed her empty orange juice glass in it.

Whatever works.

2-28-2012

It was LATE when I got to Mom's tonight...after 8:30.  I was at work late tonight and almost didn't stop by on my way home, thinking it would be too late and she might already be asleep.  I was exhausted, but somehow it just wouldn't have felt right to not stop by.  I wasn't sure what to expect.

Mom was fine and in a great mood tonight.  She was sitting in her chair.  'What are you up to tonight?.'

"Oh nothing, just sitting here watching tv."

I asked all the usual - how was your day, what did you and the girls do, etc.  The only thing different about her place was that she took the tablecloth off her table, which will make it easier to work on the puzzles Paula bought her.  She still had one of them open, and all the pieces looked like they were in the same places they were last night, so I was scratching my head as to how she got the tablecloth off.

The best part was when the nurse stopped in and talked about how helpful mom had been earlier - helping them with cleanup after dinner and being real social earlier in the day. Mom heard the praise and was smiling ear to ear too.  The nurse said she would be back shortly to make sure she was all set for bed before the night shift got there.  "I usually stop by and just chat with her for awhile, and make sure everything is in order before they get here."  She is a real sweetie, and always refers to me by name.  It is killing me that I don't remember hers and they don't wear name tags!

Something to work on tomorrow, I suppose.  All in all, place a mark in the 'had a good day' column.  Now that I'm a couple months into this blog, it might actually be interesting to go back and tally those up!

2-27-2012

Well, happy birthday, Mom! What a fun and interesting visit tonight.

I went by around 7, and I don't think Mom even knew it was her birthday, nor would she know hold old she is.  I brought her up a cup of coffee, and when I walked in she was watching America's funniest home videos.


'Hey Mom.  Happy birthday! What are you up to?'


"Oh I was just watching about this shampoo.  It will fix all my issues...it helps with rashes, and can get rid of fleas too.  They get in your bloodstream, you know."

Alrighty then!  Good to know. :)

I turned the volume down on the TV and called Chuck.  'I know someone who wants to talk to you!'

Mom's face lit up as soon as she heard it was Chuck on the phone.  Then she proceeded to tell him how he could protect himself from fleas too.  It was a little more graphic than I need to explain here, but very funny.  We all laughed, and laughing is good for the soul.  I learned about fleas, and STDs, and slides and swimming suits, and all kinds of fun stuff tonight.

Thank you so much Mom, for making my day today.  Here's hoping for many more happy birthdays to you.

2-26-2012

Wow, what a difference a day makes.  Maybe yesterday was a little too much excitement for Mom?

I got to her place around 7 tonight, and remembered to bring her milk, cereal and orange juice.  I walked into her apartment 'Hi Mom.  What are you doing?'


"Packing"


'Packing for what?'


"For when we go."


'Go where?'


"Somewhere.  To wherever we're going next."  Here we go again...

She had taken all of the clothes out of her closet, and all of her pictures off the wall.  We went back and forth about this being her place. She kept asking for how long, and I kept telling her for a long, long time...that this was her home.  I told her she needed to stop packing things up - 'Your bed is a mess - where are you going to sleep tonight, Mom?'

"I have the other room in there."

'What other room?'

"Right over there...I have the other room."

'That's a closet, Mom'  as she walked over to open it.

"Yeah, that's a closet." She went into the living room and sat in her rocker. I could tell she was a little sad as she realized she had been confused.

'It's ok, Mom.  I'll get this stuff put away.  I brought you some milk and cereal.'

"Oh great!" she said with a huge smile.  I fixed the channel and volume on her tv, and hung all her clothes back up.  She looked fine when I left.

'See you tomorrow, Mom.'

2-25-2012

A day late posting this...yesterday was a busy day, for all of us!

What a great day for Mom.  She got a visit from Paula, George and her grandbabies, and then a trip out to eat a very special birthday dinner at Texas de Brazil.  Mom ate well, and was truly happy to be sitting at the head of a table surrounded by family, including all 3 of her children.  She ate well, and seemed very lucid most of the evening.  We let her splurge on a little birthday ice cream too.

On the way back to her place, she had some interesting things to say...not only that she enjoyed herself, but she specifically commented that "It was so nice to see everyone getting along.  Finally. I guess they finally realized that they found the right match, and know how to talk to each other, and respect each other.  That was really, really, enjoyable."

Pretty insightful, I thought.  Now just wait until I type up tonight's post...

2-24-2012

Today was literally a quick hug and goodnight.  I wasn't able to leave work until after 8 and was exhausted.  Mom was in her room, barely awake.  She kind of knew I was there, and I reminded her we are going out to dinner tomorrow night for her birthday.

"How old am I again?"

'72, Mom.  You'll be 72.'

2-23-2012

I didn't get to Mom's until 7:30 today. Long day and I was coming straight from work...AND...I had forgotten her milk and cereal.  I bought them yesterday, but forgot to bring them to work with me.  Luckily, she didn't ask for or about them...but she may have remembered.  Definitely need to remember tomorrow.

I just sat down and watched America's Funniest Home videos with her.  Very calm and relaxed tonight.  She wasn't wearing any glasses, and she had on one of her Christmas sweaters.  She was in great spirits tonight, and started telling me about all the callbacks she had been receiving.


"Yes, I got two callbacks from this show.  Of course they needed to talk to my producer...but they know I know how to do it.  Of course they ended up going with someone just a little bit funnier, but I'm sure I'll get something soon.   I've always had such long legs."

Apparently she's been in high demand these past few weeks.  She also asked questions about my work, and how I was doing, even things like what products my company sold.  It was kind of cool, because I could tell she was trying to establish a connection.  It's so hard to describe this sort of mixed stage she is in... you hear the story above and know how completely irrational it is, but she also looked healthy and was talking clearly and seemingly clear as a bell.  She asked if Paula was still coming...so she remembered our conversation from the day before.  Good night for her.

2-22-12

Jaymz and I both went to see Mom today.  She recognized and was happy to see him.  It was almost 6:00, they had just finished dinner and she was sitting in the main room with the other 'girls'.  We didn't stay very long, but I sat down to chat, at least for a few minutes. "How are your other ones?"


'Which other ones? The girls?'

"Yes, your girls."


'Do you remember their names?'


"No, but if I think about it, I'm sure I will."

After a few hints she guessed them, but as far as I know that is the first time she didn't remember their names.   She talked more about 2 college grirls that were killed, and how much she missed having a car and just being able to get up and go when she wanted to, but then she added "although I' also glad I don't.  It is dangerous out there on those roads."

I told her Jaymz and I needed to get home so that I could get to the store, and that I would be bringing her some milk tomorrow.

"Oh great.  Thank you!  I've only been asking for what...4 days now? That will be great.  Can you get me some cereal too?" 

'Sure thing, Mom.'

And I did...looking forward to taking them to her tomorrow.